Check out my current wallpaper. I downloaded it off the internet then made a few freaky-deaky alterations to it. I think it's cool.

Rick has told me that he likes this wallpaper so much he made it his own. Pretty cool huh?

And now a short story by me, meant to amuse me, and make me feel better.

"Ode to My Car"

One day there was a a young man by the name of Mike who was sitting at his computer working on a web page because nobody would play with him. Of course, this was his fault, for he did not try to find anyone to do anything with, but we will choose to ignore this point. As Mike was sitting here pondering what do next, a strange thought came over him.

"I wonder what would happen if all the cars came suddenly alive?"

Little did naive little Michael know that he was a psychic with a brain of steel, and this very thought sent the world careening into a state of chaos. At that moment, every car and truck roared to life completely free of human interaction, and for some unknown reason they all grew mouths and vocal chords so that they could talk as well.

Mike looked out his window and was shocked at what he saw. A group of 16 wheelers were bullying a little dinky bug, taunting it, saying "haha wuss, only nerdy "trendy" people drive you" to which the bug replied "oh yeah?" The trucks said to this "hahaahahahaha, nice comeback dork face!" The bug peeled off crying, but not before getting rammed in the ass by the big Mac.

Then there was a big stupid car, you know, the kind that's a car but with a truck bed behind them, {*author's note: it is at this point that I must say I know almost zilch about all things automobile. I don't know makes, models, years, anything... and I admit that. Don't mock. On with the story}, well this car had somewhat of an identity problem. It wanted to be all big and bad like a pickup, but was pestered by it's sleek, smooth, sexy car self. It didn't know what to do. It was in this state that the car came to the door of a building and tried to get in. It couldn't fit through the door, but the car/truck was too jumbled to realize it, so it just kept ramming itself repeatedly into the door, eventually killing itself.

That was the sad part of the story that was supposed to make you cry right there.

Elsewhere on campus a debate was being held between the minivans and SUV's as to which was the better family vehicle. Arguments and rebuttals were made and points awarded by judges, until it all broke down into heated personal attacks such as "Your argument sucks, you stupid 4 cylinder jerk!" and "You have a rank odor..." and "Ha, my nozzle is bigger than yours!" {*Author's note: I have no idea where that one came from}.

Across the way from Mike's window there was a congregation of obscenely ugly, yet strangely beautiful breed of vehicles known as "the woodies". They were holding a rally objecting to the discrimination they had all been subjected to during their lives. They wanted equality with all other cars, and wanted everybody to stop playing the "woody no-punch-back" game. Constantly bitching and moaning, the woody congregation did nothing but draw more attention to their ugliness and cause a vicious verbal attack on what exactly their mothers wore as foot apparel.

Mike was shocked and apalled by all that he saw and heard. "Cars are freaking idiots!" he exclaimed. He did not want to hear any more of their crap; there was enough of that from the humans. He was in despair, wondering "How will I ever be able to right what I have done, when will this crazy insane whacko madness I have caused end?"

Suddenly, bursting out of nowhere, a miracle appeared, a white 1991 Dodge Shadow came flying through the air landing on the quad, generally kicking ass in the looks department. Shadow was the coolest, most suave of the bunch, impressing all the ladies and making all the other car's jealous. I mean, how could they not be, with his cool rear spoiler and ultra modern "paint chips", which were actually very modern art tattooed directly to his body. And the rust spots only made him look "distinguished", as so many of us hope to look as we get older. Shadow was, simply put, a stud.

Mike was in awe. This was the car for him. If only it could help him out....

Shadow burst into action. Calling up to Mike, he said "
You caused this! Now you have to end it. I'll keep the cars busy, but you have to concentrate and make the cars just machines again!" With that Shadow sped off to raise havoc across campus, getting all the cars attention by gunning his engine and peeling out and doing all sorts of manly car things. All the cars, awed beyond belief by this awesome spectacle, decided that here was a car too cool to be allowed to live. Shadow had to die. And so a chase ensued.

Meanwhile, Mike was thinking, thinking, thinking. But nothing was happening, because it was getting late. So, to end it all quickly, by magic, all the cars went back to normal again. {*Author's note: I don't care enough to make a good ending out of this} Mike then stole Shadow from it's previous owner, and to this day he can be seen driving this fine specimen around.

The End